?I went on a blind date last night with a very nice guy, but there just wasn?t any chemistry.? I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard this from men and women, friends, family, and patients. What do people mean by chemistry and is it necessary for a fulfilling relationship? Is it necessary, but not sufficient? Can one have a meaningful, lasting relationship without chemistry? Does chemistry get in the way of a long term relationship? What happens when chemistry fades? These are perplexing questions that have no definite answer. And there are at least two schools of thought. One school says that chemistry is essential, while the other says friendship is the foundation.
Chemistry is that largely unconscious attraction to another person. There are couples who began their relationship with lots of chemistry right from the beginning; their passion was intense and they felt that their relationship was meant to be. They married within a few months of knowing one another and the first two years were wonderful. Then they found themselves on a steady decline, the chemistry began to fade as their life together took on a sense of normalcy. By the time came to see me they were barely more than roommates.
Then there are couples who began their relationship as friends. There was no physical chemistry, but they enjoyed just being with one another. They had a lot in common, enjoyed the same movies, and could talk about lots of things. As time went on their friendship grew. They found that they each were the other?s go-to person to share both good and bad news. Then one day, while having a cup of coffee and sharing the travails of their life, like a scene in a movie chemistry struck (e.g., When Harry Met Sally). And they were in love.
Romantics say that chemistry is necessary even for a relationship to begin. The research of social scientists seems to indicate that relationships based on friendship are more enduring. Many people in the dating game, however, will say that when they are looking for a person with whom to share their life, they do not want to spend time developing a friendship with someone in the hopes that chemistry will eventually develop. Their time is limited, they argue, so they cannot afford to spend six months developing a friendship. Chemistry, for them, is a necessary, if not sufficient, ingredient for motivating them to continue developing the relationship. They remain hopeful that the friendship will emerge as the relationship evolves. Their belief is that chemistry is rare; friendships can be found elsewhere. They want to feel the pitter-patter of their heart, they want passion, excitement, emotional connection, and intense love.
Pragmatists, on the other hand, believe that chemistry often clouds judgement. These people are less concerned with romantic ideas of a relationship and more focused on practical considerations. They want a go-to person, a person they can count on in troubled times. They want a partner, someone with whom they share common interests. They want stability, loyalty, comfort, security, commitment, and glowing love.
So if you are searching for a long-term relationship, the question is, which approach is more likely to be long-lasting satisfaction?
My advice to those who fall in ?chemistry is essential? camp, proceed with caution. Chemistry has a way of clouding judgement. Similar to other chemicals (drugs) romantic chemistry affects the brain. It makes you feel good, so good that you may overlook or ignore some ?red-flags? that appear early in the relationship. You may then find yourself in a bad relationship from which you have to extricate yourself. This process can often be painful. Furthermore, in your quest for the magical chemistry in a relationship, you may pass-by some otherwise very good potential candidates for that long-term relationship.
My advice to the ?friendship is essential? group, be sure that you are not fooling yourself. In your search for the calm seas of a friendship-based relationship you should be clear that the chemistry and/or passion factor may never develop. One of the dangers of such a pragmatic approach is that you may find yourself bored in the long run and regret that you didn?t wait for a relationship with a little more chemistry. You should be asking yourself whether friendship will be enough in the long-term.
A final word: though I have divided these two groups into separate camps for purposes of this essay, I do not mean to imply that you cannot find both chemistry and friendship in the same relationship. It is possible. The issue is one of balance. You have to decide how much of either is sufficient for you. What balance do you need? Some chemistry and a lot of friendship? A lot of chemistry and some friendship? Do a lot of soul searching and be honest with yourself: what are you looking for? Is what you want today going to carry you into the future? Remember, what you think you want at age 25, may be quite different than when you are 35, 45 or 55.
*****
[Dr. Dreyfus is a nationally recognized clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach in the Santa Monica - Los Angeles. The profits from his latest book, LIVING LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT along with his other five books, are being donated to charity through the website Book Royalties for Charity and can be purchased through Amazon.com. Please become a fan on his Facebook Fan Page by indicating "like" on the page by clicking here. You can also find more tools to help you experience a more fulfilling life by clicking here to visit his website.]
Tags: awareness, human connection, intimacy, Personal Growth, relationship, Relationships, self-help
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